When the Power Doesn’t Pause: Why D/s Fights Aren’t Like Other Fights

It is nearly inevitable that any relationship will eventually land a good fight. The topic of the fight generally isn’t relevant to the manner in which the fight is had, though some topics may be more volatile than others and risk becoming a more passionate disagreement as the fight continues. What can make a fight different in kink is the power dynamic within the relationship itself. While a healthy D/s relationship may still stumble into some of the pitfalls of a power dynamics within a fight, it is often the dynamics that are unhealthy that suffer the most from allowing a power dynamic to dictate the course of the argument.

How Power Dynamics Can Derail an Argument

Not all kink dynamics involve power exchange, though you will find that majority of them do. The issue comes when you’re in the midst of an argument and the power dynamics are inserting themselves into an argument that should be had outside the power dynamic. When part of the argument becomes the Dominant using their position to bully the submissive into taking their side because “they’re the one in charge” it can cause lasting harm to the relationship as a whole.

Even the most well meaning of us in the kink world can sometimes succumb to our roles in times of stress. Often, that’s where we go when we are stressed and our partner comes along for the ride, happily and willingly. But when the stress happens to be caused by the relationship itself, retreating to your roles can end up doing more harm and you may end up in a situation where the Dominant simply says “Because I’m in charge and you belong to me” or something along those lines and submissive, who likely just wants to be heard, may fold and stop arguing but harbor resentment, or it may make them furious that the only thing the Dominant sees in them is the submissive and not the whole person.

On the other hand, it is possible for a submissive to take control of an argument by guilting the Dominant into taking their side because they are claiming that the Dominant isn’t seeing the whole person. There are, of course many other scenarios where the roles dictate the direction of the argument and direct where it ends, but the thing to remember is that even if the argument is about the dynamic, the dynamic must be put aside during such intense discussions (whether or not it’s an argument).

Think of an argument as if you’re going negotiating the structure of your dynamic and building a contract together. During that time, you’re not in your roles, you’re discussing where you boundaries are, what you enjoy, and how that fits into the overall dynamic. Neither of you are, in those moments, inhabiting your roles. Try to think along those same lines when you find yourself in an argument of any kind with your partner.

Advice for Dominants: How to Argue Without Weaponising Your Role

Being the Dominant could mean that you’re in charge in the bedroom, or it could mean that you have a 24/7 TPE as a Master and slave. Whatever your arrangement is, there can be a sense that you are above your submissive partner. Before you go any further, you need to drop that sense of entitlement and realize that you are both still people and that you both have feelings and needs and that dynamic you have created is intended for both of you have your needs met and your feelings heard. There is a difference in being Dominant and lording over your submissive in the belief that because you are Dominant you are somehow better than they are. You’re not. Remember, they chose you to submit to because they trust you. Trying to then use that position to get your way in a fight is going to erode their trust in you and may cause them to back off the dynamic a little.

Look at your partner and take the time to listen to what they’re saying. If you are going to inhabit any part of being Dominant during this time, it’s the calm, patient aspect that takes in everything going on around them and helps to guide the argument to a better place. That doesn’t mean you try to win the argument, there may not be anything to win, but you do try to de-escalate and really listen to the concerns of your submissive.

Advice for Submissives: How to Stand Your Ground Without Manipulating Your Dynamic

If you are the submissive in an argument, you may have the desire to try and use that in some way to influence your Dominant. Just as your Dominant shouldn’t use their position to try and manipulate you, you shouldn’t be trying to manipulate them. I reiterate here that when in an argument, you should put down your dynamic roles and focus on what the issue is. Try less to argue and try more to have a conversation about what the issue happens to be. This is often easier said than done, and I completely understand that.

Don’t be afraid to stand your ground, but at the same time, make certain that you truly listen to what your Dominant has to say as they should also be listening to you. Arguments can lead to the end of relationships, so make certain that both of you approach it with the care and openness your relationship and your dynamic require to survive.

Why Pausing the Argument (Even Overnight) Is Often the Right Call

There’s the saying that states that you shouldn’t go to bed angry.

That’s terrible advice.

If you’ve been having a long argument over an extended period of time, I promise you that nothing will get resolved if what you’re doing is simply going over the same points, and getting more and more tired and worn down. Learn to pause your arguments and step away if you need to. If you’re able to, you can pause your argument and opt to have a date together for a few hours, or even go to bed and get some sleep and let your brains do some of the heavy lifting in your subconscious while you dream. You will often find that upon waking you are able to see the shape of the argument in a completely different light and find a way through it together.

Sometimes going to bed angry is the best thing we can do to save our relationship and our dynamic.

General Conflict Tips That Actually Work in Kink Relationships

Arguments happen whether or not you’re in a dynamic and regardless of the type of relationship or dynamic you’re in, there is some universal advice out there that I won’t go into too deeply because it’s everywhere and much of it is pretty helpful (by which I mean that out of the thousands of ways to manage an argument, there is likely one out there that will work for you – not that every single method works for everybody).

If you find yourselves getting too far into the weeds with your fight, take a break and write down all the points you’re trying to make and then share those writings with each other. I have personally found this to be a great way to manage arguments because I have always been much better with the written word (both the place of the writer and the reader). When there isn’t the constant background noise of the argument, it is much easier to actually absorb what’s on the page and may help you both to come to a better understanding of the topic as well as each other.

You may even find that you are both trying to say the same thing, but in vastly different ways.

I know I talked about taking a break above, but it also doesn’t have to be a huge break. Sometimes just “going to your corners” for five minutes to calm down and do some introspection can help reset the flow of communication and put you both on the same path.

See a couple’s therapist. People say that seeing a couple’s counselor is tantamount to a divorce, but that’s not the case. Couple’s therapists can see things from angles that you can’t simply because you’re too close to the topic.

Even if you’re not having frequent arguments, you may want to consider a couple’s therapist every few months just to check in and bring up anything that may have slipped through the cracks over that time period. Finding a therapist who is kink friendly is actually a great way to help find better ways to communicate in a 24/7 TPE dynamic.

Making Up

Ahhh, the makup sex after an argument!

Unless you’re not the type to have makeup sex at all, which is also valid.

Honestly, I hate the term “Making up.” I always imagine a couple putting on makeup over the argument so they can dress it pretty and pretend it doesn’t exist. I think a better term for this would be “Moving Forward.” This can have many meanings, but all of them focus on the fact that you’re still moving. Whether you’re moving forward together as a couple (or thruple or more) or moving forward on your own, you are always moving toward something new.