Over-Apologising in Kink: What It Means and Why It Matters for Submissives

I’ve always hated the term “I’m sorry.” I don’t know why. I still use it sometimes simply because it’s part of my social lexicon, but I hate myself every time I do. Not because I’m not feeling empathy for something that’s happened to somebody or regret for something I’ve done to somebody, but because it has never sounded like an apology. It certainly fits better when it’s talking about something that’s happened to somebody, such as a breakup or a death of a loved one. Sorry sounds very close to the word “sorrow” and that makes sense to use it in that context (but I still hate the term).

Where I feel a simple “I’m sorry” doesn’t belong is when making a true and deep apology. There are so many ways to express your regret and your desire to make it right instead of two simplistic words.

And this is where my mind goes when I’m thinking about today’s topic.  The words “I’m sorry” are easy to say. They’re easy to default to when you feel you have to apologize for something or when you feel an apology would put an end to the conflict even if you’re not feeling regretful or sorrowful about what you’ve had to say or what you’ve done.

For some in kink, being apologetic or expressing verbal forgiveness is just way of giving in so that the discomfort can come to an end. Especially for submissives, this type of behavior can be an automated response to a Dominant in your life. So, is it that you’re truly sorry? Do you truly forgive them? Or are those just words that feel like that right thing to do to maintain your submissive nature and to let the discomfort finally end?

Are You Apologising Because You Mean It — Or to End the Discomfort?

It’s so easy to utter those two words, end the disagreement, and get on with your day that it often feels like the easy thing to do. But, even when it’s something small and innocuous, it’s better to fully comprehend the reason you’re apologizing in the first place. Sometimes it may feel like the right thing to do just to put an end to it, especially if it’s over something small like where you want to go to dinner. In the great scheme of things, that’s not an important argument.

However, you don’t want to let these little apologies take over to the point that apologizing and providing your forgiveness becomes a knee-jerk reaction to anything bordering on uncomfortable. Are you responding out of a place of true apology or are you reacting to the situation just so it can end more quickly?

It’s never easy to just stand your ground on things, but it’s often important to do so even if you’re not feeling like the argument especially matters. Yes, apologizing over an argument about where to go dinner may seem like a trivial thing, but you want to make certain that it’s not setting the stage for an apology over something that’s not as trivial.

If your first reaction in any argument is to apologize, look at why that is. Do you truly feel that an apology from you is necessary? What efforts has the other individual taken in remedying the situation? Who is truly at fault? Where should the apology come from and does this person deserve it or should they really be the one apologizing to you?

It’s important to note that not every apology comes from an argument or disagreement. It could be bumping into somebody in the grocery store, it could be stepping on your partner’s toes when wearing heels and it’s not part of a scene, it could be that you lost track of time with your friends and came home two hours late without checking in. But now, let’s look at this through a different lens.

If somebody bumps into you, do you immediately apologize? If your partner steps on your toes do you suddenly feel the need to apologize for simply existing in that space in that moment in time? And if your partner is two hours later than expected and didn’t check in, do you apologize for worrying about them while they were out?

If that’s the case, you need to look at your relationship to apologies and why you feel it necessary to apologize for simply existing in the world. I’m not a therapist and don’t pretend that I have the answers here. What I can say is that if this is your relationship to apologies, then you may want to find a therapist and dig into why that’s the case and build strategies so that you feel comfortable existing in the world and taking up space in it.

Forgiveness in Kink Relationships: When to Give It and When to Withhold It

Forgiveness sits on the other end of an apology. It is the decision of the person being apologized to whether or not they forgive the one apologizing. Try to remember that forgiving somebody should mean a true and heartfelt forgiveness for whatever they’ve done. To grab an example from above, if your partner steps on your toes and apologizes, that’s a pretty easy thing to forgive. Maybe you give them a kiss and laugh about it and move on.

If we take a look at another example from above, and your partner is two hours late and didn’t check in at any point, then walks in the door and apologizes, then forgiveness may not be as quick – but part of that is going to depend on what your expectations are with your partner. For the sake of this article, we’re going to say that there is an expectation that if they are going to be late, they check in with you and provide an updated timeline of when they will be home. My partner and I have this arrangement ourselves. Not because we want to be controlling, but because we want to know when we should start to worry. Generally, we give an hour of wiggle-room and then we start to worry if we haven’t heard. This has only occurred once, thankfully, and it the reason was that I’d left my phone in her car, left in my car, and then got stuck in accident traffic.

Now, if the issue of coming home late without checking in is persistent, at what point do you withhold forgiveness? When is it okay to be upset? That is going to vary person to person, but any time there is a pattern of behavior that is counter to whatever your agreements were it shows a lack of care toward the health of the relationship and perhaps a bigger conversation needs to be had before forgiveness is provided.

If there are extenuating circumstances as to why something like this keeps happening, it might be a good idea to work on strategies to help them to remember. Neurodivergence can cause things like time-blindness which could be a factor in their constant lateness. That doesn’t mean they get to shrug their shoulders and say “That’s the ADHD in me!” and not to try to find ways to work within their limitations. As somebody with ADHD, I can tell you that time-blindness is big ol’ pain in the ass at times, but strategies like setting multiple alarms and reminders to check in after a certain time can be incredibly helpful. And yes, multiple because I’ll shut off the first one and say “I’ll do that right now!” Then I pull out my phone, see a notification and completely forget what I was doing until the second reminder goes off two minutes later while I’m still staring at my phone. That’s the one that usually gets me, but just in case I have a third and fourth as well.

That may not work for everybody, but finding the strategy that does work for you is important. The best way to earn forgiveness is to change the behavior that requires it.

And now we’ll turn our attention back to the person who is doing the forgiving. If your partner isn’t changing the behavior and you continue to forgive them, they never will change that behavior. When it’s something like being chronically late, it may not be an immediate fix, but so long as they are demonstrating a strong effort to change the behavior, then perhaps some forgiveness is warranted.

If we’re talking about a cheating situation, then that’s a whole other ball of wax. That’s a forgiveness you have to determine is worth it, and if there’s a second instance of it, then that’s not something you have to wait around for and help them change from.

All that said, what is your relationship to forgiveness? Are you quick to forgive no matter what the situation is because it’s easier than trying to hold them accountable more than a quick apology? Do you prefer to avoid the discomfort of a deeper conversation that could bring up unpleasant topics? If that’s the case, what has brought you a point where you prefer to avoid conflict by forgiving somebody who has caused you some kind of harm?

Once again, this kind of fawn response is something that has likely been ingrained in you. Finding a good therapist may help you overcome this type of response in time.

How to Have a Healthier Relationship With Apologies and Accountability

Apologies and forgiveness are complex topics that are also very personal. That being said, there are warning signs that you may be too apologetic, too forgiving, or both. Remember that it’s okay for you to take up space in the world. It’s okay to have uncomfortable conversations and to try and deal with painful topics. Simply folding every time there is conflict or even when somebody bumps into you, doens’t help your self-esteem or strengthen your relationship.

Take a look at why you apologize, how you apologize, and what it takes for you to forgive.

While we talked about the pitfalls of over apologizing and forgiving too easily today, remember that the opposite can also be true, so try to make certain that you’re not withholding apologies or forgiveness simply because you feel somebody should never apologize.

It’s always best to take responsibility for your actions and to hold others accountable for theirs.