Sugar Babies, Sugar Daddies, and the Dynamics of Power and Money in Kink

The Kink Files

Mar 26

written by Micah Brown

There are many different types of relationships that fall under the kink umbrella. While most people may think about spankings and bondage, there are others out there who experience kink in completely different ways, including kink rooted in financial wants or needs. These sorts of arrangements can be with a Findom, wherein the Dominant receives gifts and money from the submissive because the submissive derives sexual satisfaction from providing such things to their Dominant. Then there are sugar babies and Sugar Daddies/Mommies. In these arrangements, the Sugar Parent is generally the Dominant and the Sugar Baby is in the role of the submissive.

Of note, sugar relationships are like all relationships and will vary widely. This is a broad overview of what a sugar dynamic looks like and may not include all the nuances that may be part of it.

What it Looks Like

This is one of those cases where it tends to look the way you might expect. In general, a sugar baby is a younger, attractive individual who receives financial incentives from their older, wealthier Sugar Daddy/Mommy and provides domestic and/or sexual services in return. It is a gray area in terms of how it’s viewed in the world of sex work, as the arrangement tends to be a long-term understanding that exists between two people. That’s not to say that a sugar baby cannot have more than one sugar parent at a time, but these are generally not discussed across agreements.

The stereotype of a sugar baby is a college-aged co-ed either in some kind of financial distress or wants to live a certain kind of lifestyle. They will choose their Daddy or Mommy based on what they can provide, and the Daddy or Mommy will choose a sugar baby who meets whatever needs they require. Often, there is a sexual component, but that’s not always the case.

This very well may be the most common situation, but it is not as common as you may think. I have known sugar babies who were in their 30s and 40s who essentially used their position as a sugar baby to multiple parents as their income.

Something else to take into consideration is the fact that not all sugar babies are younger than their parents. In some cases, you may find a woman in her 30s with a sugar parent in their 20s. When it comes to this type of arrangement, age is less of a factor than the zeitgeist would have you believe. Yes, it is almost always younger women with older men, but alternatives to that are more common than you might think.

Ethics of the Sugar Lifestyle

It is important to note that sugar parents often require discretion, as they will often be married and have children of their own, sometimes around the same age as the sugar babies they are entertaining. If you’re going to be a sugar baby, you need to be okay with being on the side and not being a priority in their life.

The question becomes, is this practice ethical if one party is cheating on somebody else? That depends on the lens you’re looking through and on your comfort levels. Your Sugar Parent may never disclose the nature of their personal life to you, in which case, you can play the “don’t ask, don’t tell” game with yourself and ignore the possibility that they could be married. Alternatively, they may talk about their life quite a bit and share aspects of their life you may think should belong with a therapist – in fact, you may end up playing the role of a therapist to them through all of this.

You have to remember that people have their own arrangements, and they could also be in a marriage with a don’t ask/don’t tell model, or your Sugar Parent may go home to their spouse and tell them everything. It is also possible that the sugar baby is married and is doing sugaring on the side in order to bring in extra cash for the family, whether or not the other spouse is aware of it.

At it’s most basic level, this is just like any other relationship, which may or may not be ethical. There’s also the idea that if you don’t ask and make it clear that you do not wish to know, then the ethics of the whole thing are ultimately fine because, as far as you know, they are single.

What becomes unethical, as it would in any relationship, is knowing that what you’re doing is interrupting somebody else’s life who is not directly a part of the dynamic you have set up. It’s keeping secrets that haven’t been agreed to (such as an open relationship with a “don’t ask/don’t tell” arrangement).

On Being a sugar baby

Being a sugar baby isn’t something that’s easy. It’s not something that you walk into with a casual air of getting everything you want. That is not how it works. You need to win over your potential Sugar Parent by providing them with what they are looking for in a sugar baby. If it’s companionship, then you must be willing to provide that. If it’s sexual in nature, then you have to be willing to give that to them within the scope of your arrangement.

What’s more, is that you have to be tough. You have to be able to ask for money without batting an eye or feeling an ounce of guilt – not small amounts like $50 or $100, or even $1,000, but $10,000 or more. You need to be able to understand as well that your Sugar Parent is not always going to have time for you. Those who have that much disposable wealth are often busy and see you not as a person but as an amusement they can use when it fits their schedule. It may sound heartless, but the flip side of that is that you’re asking for $10,000 or more, and they’re simply handing it to you. Is that amount of money worth possibly having sex with somebody that you are completely disinterested in sexually?

What’s more, is that you need to be prepared to be dropped at a moment’s notice. This includes possibly being ghosted for a variety of reasons. While I feel that ghosting isn’t the answer outside of vanishing from an abusive situation, it’s still something that you need to be prepare yourself for.

On Being a Sugar Parent

Whether you’re a Sugar Daddy or a Sugar Mommy, you have the easier end of things in most cases. You are paying somebody to provide companionship to you, often times including sexual activity. They are attractive and likely younger than you are, giving you a good ego boost.

If there are specific things you are seeking out in a sugar baby, make certain you are up front about your expectations. If you want sex, let them know up front that it is an expectation of the arrangement that there will be sex involved. If you want companionship without sex, let them know that as well. When you have this conversation, it should be two-sided, and they should also communicate with you what it is that they are seeking from you in the arrangement.

If you have a limited amount of time, but you would want a sugar baby, then be clear about that as well. If you’re simply in town for a few months, let them know your expectations for that period and that you will be leaving at the end. This allows the sugar baby to prepare for the change and potentially line up a new Sugar Parent for after your departure.

A Sweet Ending

Whatever you hope to gain by entering into a sugar relationship should be stated clearly up front. In other words, be sure to have open, honest lines of communication going between you and your potential sugar partner. If you ever wish to change the arrangement, you should sit down with your sugar partner and discuss the areas you wish to change to make certain everybody is on the same page.

Like all relationships, there is the potential for this type of relationship to be unethical. You just need to know where your comfort ends and if you’re okay with what your possible sugar partner wants from the arrangement.